Smother’s Day

Posted on May 11, 2017 by deconstructingdoctor

residency slide show 003Mother’s Day is fast approaching, the first Mother’s Day since my mother’s passing.  I am trying to get all of the dread out of they way so that day doesn’t feel so bad when it gets here.  I bought fake flowers and made an arrangement for her grave.  I did that last week.  So that’s done.

The cemetery where my mom is buried is a sea of fake flowers.  Every grave has an arrangement in varying degrees of sun-faded hues.  I think it is supposed to be comforting and beautiful that every soul is recognized, but somehow it makes me feel even more sad.  It is a facade.  You can leave those fake flowers for months without changing them if you wanted to, no one would know the difference.  Then you could walk away and forget them for a while.  As if.

I am the worst kind of daughter.  I brought the small flower container home from her gravesite months ago.  I had every intention of making an arrangement for her, but time got away from me as it always seems to do.  I needed to put one of those green styrofoam things in the bottom so that I could stuff the wiry ends of the flowers into it.  That way the flowers will remain affixed for months, looking fresh and arranged, carefully and lovingly by a doting daughter.  Her grave sat flowerless in a sea of flowers for months as if saying this person, this life, really didn’t matter much.  No one cared enough to remember her with fake flowers.

Knowing full well that I had failed as the doting, loving daughter, I overcompensated by not only making an arrangement, but also making a wreath, with ribbons and a little flower pendant.  That should show everyone just how special she was and make them forget that her grave stood empty for the past 6 months.  I knew that I had to get this done by Mother’s Day.  I couldn’t bear for her grave to be bare on such a sacred day!  Even I’m not the kind of awful daughter that would let her mother’s grave be flowerless on Mother’s Day!  I am not an evil monster!

When I placed my arrangement on her grave, I noticed that someone had placed flowers in the holder that was affixed to her headstone.  It was probably the groundskeeper.  It basically consisted of a bunch of fake flowers with most of the flowers missing, just wiry, rusty stems and sun-damaged leaves.  I wish they hadn’t even made the attempt.  It was truly done by someone who didn’t care for her and it showed.  Amongst all the arrangements, this was the worst.  I pulled it out and threw it on the ground, I didn’t even bother to put it in the garbage can.  It made me feel guilty that a stranger had made an attempt at least.

I just want to get that day over with.  The first Mother’s Day without her.  More than anything, I don’t want to be inundated with all of the great mother-daughter relationships in the world on that day.  I lost my mom and I lost any opportunity to repair or enhance that relationship.  That day is just a reminder that whatever was will always be; unchanged, unsaid, unrealized, frozen, arranged, rusty, wiry, and faded.

 

 

 

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24 Responses to Smother’s Day

  1. drugopinions says:
    May 15, 2017 at 6:21 am

    May your mother rest in peace. I can feel from your writing, your mother meant a lot to you and still mean a lot to you. Your connection, the way she must have influenced your character, your life, and everything else. You haven’t lost her. She lives in you, in your memories, in your love. Perhaps you can write more about her, share her stories with others, write about her so that her memories are forever alive in your words. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. marymtf says:
    May 13, 2017 at 11:23 pm

    Here’s the thing. The florists and greeting card mob would have you believe otherwise but it’s Mother’s Day every day, and Father’s Day too. There isn’t a day that goes by whem I’m not thinking of my dad, and missing him. It’s been eight years. I visit regularly, but he’s not there. Any flowers I might bring along are more for me than my dad.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. mukhamani says:
    May 13, 2017 at 3:04 pm

    My father passed away last September and I know how it feels. Memories are always a part of our life. We cremate so I don’t understand the significance of keeping flowers on the headstone of the grave. Remebering them at different moments in life makes them a part of our lives always. Thank you for sharing 🙂

    Like

  4. artalexiusr says:
    May 12, 2017 at 4:11 am

    I re-blogged your post. And I dedicated my painting to pay respects.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Deb says:
    May 11, 2017 at 12:19 pm

    Grieving and remembering and honoring all come for us in so many ways. There is no right or wrong way, nor should there be any judgement about what we choose to do, but of course humans judge- and we judge ourselves most harshly to some socially acceptable standard that may or may not make any real difference. I have to say I agree with salpa58, and have tried to make it clear to my kids that all the “memorializing stuff” after I am gone is not necessary for me, and not how I hope they choose to live. I want them to remember my place in their lives in all the little things that surround them each day, not in a place or space that comes with expectations and/or guilt. {{Hugs}}

    Liked by 1 person

  7. lizziecarver says:
    May 11, 2017 at 11:47 am

    Yes, it’s hard. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Kenneth T. says:
    May 11, 2017 at 11:27 am

    I know about loss as well. My mom passed away 5 years ago this August, my daughter just this past January.
    It’ll get better in time. Keep your chin up and smile.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. http://www.salpa58.wordpress.com says:
    May 11, 2017 at 11:17 am

    So sorry for your loss. Both of my parents passed my mother first in 1973 she was just 55 and my dad just over 2 years later. I have never been to either grave. My parents live in my heart and always will. I am just about to turn 74 and I have told my children I want to be cremated, my ashes scattered. I don’t want a memorial service and want to be remembered with a smile. I want them to celebrate my life not my death. Plant a tree in my memory, go out to dinner on my birthday or Mother’s Day, remember the good times on the holiday’s. If you treat your parents with love and care while they are alive there’s not need to feel guilty or have any regrets after we are gone.Both of my parents knew I loved them and I treated them well. I now carry them in my heart with love and joy. I miss them but they are not in that ground below the dirt in the coffin. They are in my son’s smile, my daughter’s beautiful voice, my granddaughter’s long slender fingers, and curly hair. They are in the many things I say and do. They are here and always will be. The circle of life continues. So as a mother and grandmother I tell you don’t worry about it. Look around you will see and feel your parents in more ways than one. I am sure that both your parents would want you to enjoy Mother’s Day and remember the love and joy.
    Have a Happy Mother’s Day!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Kathy Chenault -- World Witness says:
    May 11, 2017 at 10:49 am

    Those “firsts” after my mother died were difficult as well. First birthday. First anniversary of her death. And yes, Mother’s Day. When I felt the blues coming on, I sometimes bought a single red rose and put it in a simple vase in a special place. Or I would listen to some of her favorite music. In my mother’s case, Billie Holiday or Ray Charles. In time, the edges of the sorrow soften and you’ll find yourself basking in fondness instead. All best.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. houstonphotojourney says:
    May 11, 2017 at 10:27 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss and know what it’s like as I have neither parent anymore. My moms death didn’t really seem to hit me full force until 3 years after but each Mother’s Day is still a little challenging. Try to enjoy your Mother’s Day my friend and know she’s with you.

    Liked by 1 person

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