There are certain truths that come with aging. You don’t always realize them until you actually age. Knowing them too soon is against the laws of nature. You don’t want to ruin the mystique of getting older. If you are young and do not want to break the law, you might want to skip this post, because I’m about to royally f^ck up your reality.
Now for those of you that consider yourselves old enough to continue reading, I will commence with The Truths of Aging:
- Badder Bladder: This one is for the ladies, but it can happen to the fellas, too. The bladder, she is a beast. She was once a thing of beauty, able to hold many gallons of liquid for days at a time, now she is a shell of her former self. The only thing that I really excel at any more is peeing. Any time, any place. All day, all night. In fact, I’m so good at it, that I can do it while performing jumping jacks, like without even trying. Therefore, I don’t do jumping jacks. Or bounce houses. Or trampolines. I basically don’t jump at all.
- Out of Joint: Not out of joints, young people. Why are you still reading this? Back in my day you really had to work to find a joint. You kids have it too easy. You don’t appreciate the sacrifices we made so that you could have legal marijuana. Let me get back to the point. Joints are hideous inventions. They wear out way before any other parts do. Think tin man. The good thing is they are replaceable.
- Brain Fog: Now what was I saying? Oh yeah, brain fog. Brain fog is what happens when you walk into a room with every intention of performing a task, but instead your spouse, the dog, a kid, or the phone interrupt you and you totally forget what you were doing. It’s also the moment when you are writing in your blog and you can’t remember the word ‘insidious,’ so you google ‘something really bad.’ Brain fog is insidious.
- Acne/Wrinkles Make up Your Mind: How about a pimple imbedded in a wrinkle? That’s just wrong. God can be cruel sometimes.
- Seeing Eye Dog: I might need one. I can see well enough to drive, but not well enough to read. Glasses are a cute fashion accessory until you HAVE to wear them and then it’s annoying and when you have brain fog, you lose them. Squinting doesn’t help, but we all try it. You might be doing it right now.
- Hair everywhere: I am not kidding. Hair appears in ears, noses, chins, toes, nipples, around the belly button, out of random moles. It’s disgusting. The elderly person, however, has no idea because they can’t see the hairs, having lost their glasses in #5.
- Penis Envy: Gentlemen. Your attention, please (clearing throat). Your penis will fail you in a moment that you least expect. In a moment of great passion. In a moment when you are desperately trying to please your partner. It’s going to happen, I assure you. Please stop crying. It will be OK. There’s always Viagra (or Cialis, or Caverject, or Levitra, or Stendra)
- Turnt up: I can’t hear you, what did you say? You need to be turnt up. Or maybe someone should invest in a hearing aid? Either way, everyone sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher.
- Bowels of hell: With aging comes a heightened awareness of one’s bowel function. Or dysfunction. And then the great quest to form the perfect BM ensues. Like a mad scientist creating Frankenstein, the aged mix concoctions to bring life to their lifeless and sluggish poo: a hint of Milk of Magnesia, a dash of ExLax, a sprinkle of fiber, mixed in a cauldron of prune juice, and finally a bolt of lightning. “It’s Alive!”
Aging is not for wimps. It really takes a strong person to age gracefully. Aging, God-willing, happens to most of us. Have you considered the alternative? You might as well embrace it. Leaky bladders, creaky joints, memory lapses, wrinkles, random hair, disappointing penises, constipation, deafness, blindness, and all…
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