If there was a contest for the “Worst Cook in the World,” I would enter. I would probably win. I think there was once a TV show about it. I don’t want to be on TV for the whole world to see how incredibly inept I am in this regard, but I don’t mind sharing it with you guys. It is my greatest failure in life. Nothing I make tastes good. It lacks imagination. I’m easily confused by recipes and weird cooking terminology like chiffonade, braise, demi-glace, parbroil, saute, roux. I have a degree in chemistry so you would think that cooking would be a natural extension, but it’s not, not at all, not even a little bit. Why am I the worst cook in the world?
- My parents bought a microwave in the 80’s. They took a cooking class at Sears and took me with them. I was little. I learned to cook in a Sears cooking class for people who bought their first microwave. Isn’t this reason enough? They even showed us how to make eggs in the microwave. Have you ever made eggs in the microwave? There is nothing more vile in the world. They taste bad, but what a fascinating experiment. They puff up to 10 times their size.
- I didn’t have any sweet grandmothers to teach me. My parents both worked, I was an only child. My only living grandmother was a terrible cook. My great grandmother was a terrible cook. Someday I’ll write about my great grandmother’s chili. (Chili Con Mortem) It’s epic in its awfulness and to this day I will not touch chili with a 10 foot pole. Chili cook-offs? Did you say hell on earth?
- I burned food in a crockpot. Twice. The first time I did it, I thought something was wrong with the crockpot. It was somehow malfunctioning so I bought another crockpot. And it happened again. I added the required liquid, set the required time, left the house only to return to the worst smell in the world and the most burnt looking pile of crap you could ever imagine. Not once, but twice (in case that didn’t sink in the first time I wrote it).
- I once convinced my Mother-in-Law to let me cook the turkey for the family Christmas Eve dinner. I bought a giant turkey and cooked it all day. It smelled heavenly. I brought it to her home and when my Father-in-Law carved the turkey, it was raw. The look on their faces…absolute horror.
- Have you seen that picture above? We eat a lot of cereal in this house. Mostly “healthy” cereal. My husband eats the sugary ones. Just to be clear.
- I don’t think I’ve ever poisoned anyone. This may disqualify me from the worst cook in the world. Although, Christmas Eve at the In-Laws was a close one.
- Cooking takes forever. Preparing it takes forever. Cleaning up after all that crap takes forever. I don’t have that kind of time. I don’t have forever. I have long enough to call something in or go pick something up. I’ve got time for that.
Do I blame the microwave for my inability to cook? My lack of cooking mentors? My impatience? My lack of imagination? Malfunctioning crock pots? Yes. I blame them all.