Feed Me

fullsizeoutput_1fbeThe worst part about motherhood is not the lack of sleep.  It’s not the complete and unending exhaustion.

It isn’t the relentless breastfeeding, sore nipples, sore back, that deep and unfulfilled desire to move except you are tethered to another person providing life giving sustenance for an entire year (I gave up after 8 and 3 months respectively).

It isn’t the endless babble, the spontaneous and shocking ear-piercing noises, or incoherent stories as if told by your drunk uncle over holiday dinners.  Children love to talk, scream, laugh, cry, basically just make a shit load of noise.  It is incredibly distracting from the quiet spaces in the mind that produce thought.  Thinking is almost impossible with children around, but that doesn’t even bother me much.

It doesn’t even bother me that I didn’t watch an entire movie for 5 years.  I couldn’t get into any series for lack of actually hearing any of the dialogue.  I missed all of The Walking Dead and American Horror Story because the kids could not even accidentally walk in on me watching them without creating months of nightly awakenings from nightmares.

It doesn’t bother me that they are old enough to wipe their own asses, but still insist on yelling across the house, “mommy….I’m done pooooooping!”  Expecting me to stop what I’m doing and run to their side, finding their rear end stuck up in the air for ease of wiping.  To which I reply sarcastically, “It is my greatest joy in life to wipe your booty!”

So what bothers me the most about having kids and being a mother?

I have to feed them.  All the time!

Why so much???  Breakfast, lunch, and dinner?  Snacks, too?  I did not sign up for this.  And why me?  They never ask their dad for food.  It’s the boobs, isn’t it?  Like some kind of billboard for a meal.  I am completely incompetent in the food department.  They never like anything I make.  I really try.  They are so picky.  And it goes on all day.

I’m hungry!  I want something to eat!  Snacks.  Drinks.  Candy.  Chips.  Always arguing over making healthy choices.  I give in sometimes.  I’m not proud.  Just eat the damn chips!  The youngest won’t eat turkey, but loves chicken.  The oldest wants green apples not red.  The oldest will drink milk, but only if it is chocolate milk.  The youngest likes cheese but not string cheese.  It’s insanity and it’s relentless.

Thank God for cereal.  It seems to be the great equalizer.  They both like cereal.  And so far cereal seems to be life-sustaining.  That and a good multivitamin.  The gummy kind not Flintstones.






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23 Responses to Feed Me

  1. You are just at the beginning. Soon the rolling of the eyes will start. The relentless why not. Then the teen years. As far as feeding them, learn how to make a hamburger, you can use beef, chicken or turkey. Buy a good brand jar or a few jars of tomato sauce the one that has Four Cheese on the label. Boil the pasta for about ten minutes (no longer) put a pot on the stove pour about two tablespoons of olive oil sprinkle some dried parsley or fresh (chopped) a bit of garlic salt or powder and a jar of the sauce. Bring to a medium boil lower the heat to simmer stir it a few times. drain the pasta put it in a bowl and pour the sauce over it and mix. Get some freshly grated Parmigiano cheese (available in all supermarkets in the deli dept.) A loaf of Italian Bread and Wala, dinner is served. That’s good for two or three times a week. Hope this helps.
    Good luck. ☺☺☺

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 2ndhalfolife says:

    Jeepers, I just think it’s ALL those things…and you haven’t even gotten to the: Mom give me money…part yet…! Ouch.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Dewy says:

    Totally agree..mine are older now 14,19,21 and as soon as they walk through the door it’s like what’s for dinner mum? 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Haha! Hilarious! Could relate to so much of what you said. Thanks for sharing! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. lizziecarver says:

    Oh wow! That really brings back memories (or should that be mammaries?) – yes, it’s the boobs.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. OMG! I soo feel you! I went through the whole thing too. It was maddening! I didn’t sign up for it either. It seemed endless unrelenting punishment. Although I kept on thinking: when will they not need anymore please for the love of god make this end! It did end. I promise it ends. Mine are now young men 26- and 27-year olds. They don’t make a lot of noise now. LOL They are responsible young adults who now help me be the person I want to be. Cheers 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Deb says:

    I can only say, with what I hope may be some candid delight and actual encouragement for your future self, that all of this suffering you endure now will actually come back around and be transferred onto the children in question if/when they decide to have some of their own. These behaviors and quirks and horrors really all do come back around to bite them in the ass when they produce their own offspring. I now take great joy in watching the almost daily occurrences centered on my granddaughters attempts to drive their mother (my oldest) crazy 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Yep…it’s “the boobs” – I used to tell my ex husband you get off work…I get off work and then start my next shift when I get home 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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