Tomorrow is the 4 year anniversary of my mother’s passing and today I sit here awaiting the results of my COVID 19 test. I’m not sure that the two things have anything in common, probably just mere coincidence. It is a strange feeling, the not knowing. I am both negative and positive for COVID 19 at this very minute, like a modern day Shrodinger’s cat. I have to quarantine as if I have it. I keep searching my body for any changes to suggest I’ll be dead soon. I promise, I am exaggerating about the death part. I don’t feel too bad right now.

I’ve had about 3 cups of strong tea with honey since this morning. I’m lying in bed next to my best pal, Jackson (our dog). Resting. The kids are avoiding me “like the plague.”

I woke this morning with sore muscles and joints, congestion and a minor cough. I have a headache, chills, and I just feel really tired. I tried to brush it off, but I would be doing a disservice to my patients and colleagues if I ignored my symptoms and tried to keep working, so I asked to be tested. I cancelled my clinic, drove home, and now I wait.

I know I let my guard down, although I can say with 100% honesty that I have always worn a mask at work and when in public. I make my kids do it, too. When we get back in the car from a store, I make everyone use hand sanitizer. We have ventured out, though. We have had meals at restaurants and gone to our favorite junk stores. If I have the virus, could that be how I got it? It really doesn’t make sense to try to figure it out, for all I know, I’ve just got another “bug” and not THE “bug.”  I think I’m just being paranoid because I have known at least 2 deaths in the past few days and many more infected.

I called my dad to tell him that I was tested today. We haven’t seen each other in about 2 weeks. We did visit him around Father’s Day. When I told him that I was waiting on the results, he was upset. I kept telling him, I’m just getting tested, I’m not positive yet. He told me, “It just really pisses me off!” I wonder if he realizes what tomorrow is. I’m sure he does. I better remember to call and check on him.

My dad and I have talked a lot about the national response to the pandemic, or lack thereof. He’s been worried about me in healthcare and my exposures at work. I’ve been worried about bringing illness home to him or my family. I wash my hands, wear my gloves, and my surgical mask. The same mask all day. We have both been angered by the lack of consideration for those in the community that are most vulnerable to the virus, like my dad. We have talked about the concept of every state for themselves, every man/woman/child for themselves all in the name of freedom, the freedom to ignore a deadly virus.

I’m kind of pissed off, too. I fell like maybe I failed somehow. I just wasn’t careful enough. I’m pissed that maybe someone was careless and went out without protection or were knowingly infected. I’m pissed that people aren’t taking this thing seriously. I’m pissed that I know people who have died. I’m pissed that I have to sit here and wait. My results probably won’t be back for 48 hours and until then I’m just going to have to be pissed off and wait in that in between place where I’m positive and negative at the same time.