I get up pretty early, even on the weekends. It’s automatic even if I try to sleep-in, the best I can do is 7:30. I like the time in the morning before the sun rises, before my family stumbles out of bed and begins their demands, “can I have a pop tart?”
Sometimes, I waste the time by staring at Facebook, usually with a hot cup of tea in hand. Sometimes I read articles and try to wrap my head around the absolute lack of leadership that has led us to almost 400,000 COVID deaths in the US. I scoff at the voices that raise up and say it’s not real. I know they just can’t face the truth. Facing the truth about COVID would mean facing the truth about other things like the fact that the president is a con artist and then their whole worlds would fall apart. Instead they wrap themselves up in the warm snuggly blanket of conspiracy theories that continue to guard them against the cold hard facts of reality.
We all do that to some degree. I do it. I call it survival.
We lost one of our coworkers this week. Sunday night. I worked that day in the Urgent Care that our clinic has on the weekend. I drove by the hospital where I knew she was laying and tears welled up in my eyes. I said a prayer to God. She had been in that building for close to a month, on a ventilator, her family informed that her time on this earth was growing thin, decisions would have to be made. No one wants to make those decisions about the people they love. I feel like we have made a contract with God somewhere in this fine mess that those are His decisions to make, not ours. He should take that out of our hands, but alas, it does not always work out that way. Greater plan, I guess.
My prayer was this, “God please don’t let her suffer. Keep her or take her, but please end her suffering.”
That night she passed.
I found out the next morning. I work in a big office with lots of providers and nurses. We all felt utter shock. Numb. I wanted to just have a day to myself, but there were patients to see, messages to answer. We were still in a pandemic and my job that day was to work in the respiratory clinic seeing all of the potential COVID infected patients. I would not be able to ignore COVID that day and what it had taken away. I would have to stuff my feelings down for a while, ignore the facts and do my work as usual.
The irony is that she contracted COVID just mere days from getting the first COVID vaccine. The week of her death, I had received my second shot. She was so close. As I sit here, it is impossible for me to wrap my head around the utter waste of life over the past year. This virus is nothing like the Flu. All those people that would post bullshit stats about the flu and COVID in those early days saying how they were equally harmful, I just want to throat punch them. You idiots. You thought you knew something and you had no fucking idea.
Looking back over my career (spanning close to 17 years if you count residency), I can think of one patient that I have lost to Flu. I can think of at least 3 that I’ve lost in the past month to COVID.
I’ve stuffed my feelings down pretty well. It’s one of the perks of my job, if you want to call it a perk. It may be a liability, at least to the human part of me. I’m really good at keeping up my emotional guard. How much terror, sadness, loss, angst, sorrow, grief, distress, anxiety, sleep deprivation, horror, despair can one person really process?? Turns out a lot. Especially this year. Turns out I can absorb a lot, but for how much longer? Hopefully, not much. The vaccines are here. The rollout has been less than stellar, but they are here and people are getting them. There is a glimmer of hope. Lives will be saved and I have to look at that. I turn my eyes to the hope and not the despair, it’s the only way through.
deconstructingdoctor.com 
I am so sorry about your co-worker. I lost my husband in May of 2019. Not to COVID thankfully but even my children and I believe that there would have been a good chance that we would have lost him to COVID if he was alive during this terrible tragedy. He would have been stubborn and not worn a mask or taken any safety precautions. It would have caused a huge fight, lol as we (my children and I) wear them so that we can feel safe. Do I think the mask prevents me from getting COVID, no but if we have it and don’t know maybe it will prevent us from spreading it. I wish there were better answers, better solutions, and I am so relieved that the vaccine has been released. I am not a doctor no do I spend hours researching all the things people have said about this terrible virus. I know that once the world becomes somewhat safe again, finger pointing will happen. I do not want that. I could care less about how, or who, or even the what. What I do care about is how can we do better next time. There will be a next time, there always is. Closing borders I don’t know that is the good solution either. We must learn that life must go on, that living in fear is not living. I know that first hand. Thank you for all the lives you have saved and I am sorry about the one you lost. I lost a love that I was not ready for so yes I can relate to that kind of loss and no one deserves that. May God be with you.
Dee
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I am very sorry about your husband. This is a terrible time of loss for all of us. For some it’s measured in human casualties, for others in loss of ideals, respect, morals, etc. looking forward to gentler softer kinder times. The Bible says there is a time for all things. Sickness and healing. We are headed for better times.
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If only the doubters had a solution…I find it difficult to comprehend so-called intelligent people’s thinking .
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You are right just doubting is not enough. Solutions need to be provided. But to them there is no problem therefore no solution is needed. Just let the virus burn through us all. That’s not a solution. That’s evil.
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I think many of us are holding on to the hope that the vaccines are going to make a difference. My country is not likely to get any until May or June if we are lucky, but still we hope. Three of my co-workers [I am an accountant and not in a medical field at all] lost a parent this week and I know others who have lost up to three family members.
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To say I’m sorry would likely not mean much but I am sorry. I want so much better for all of us. I want people to care and I want to see an end to so much death and despair. Hang in there. There is an end in sight.
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Thank you, I am optimistic. You stay safe and keep well.
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Reblogged this on Barb Taub and commented:
On the off-chance you anti-maskers/conspiracy theorists/ pandemic deniers pull your heads out of your ass long enough to listen to this doctor on the front lines: “All those people that would post bullshit stats about the flu and COVID in those early days saying how they were equally harmful, I just want to throat punch them. You idiots. You thought you knew something and you had no fucking idea.
Looking back over my career (spanning close to 17 years if you count residency), I can think of one patient that I have lost to Flu. I can think of at least 3 that I’ve lost in the past month to COVID. ”
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