I Might Shit My Pants Before its all Over

IMG_6335There’s nothing like a global pandemic to bring Deconstructing Doctor out of semi-retirement. As I write this, the kids are obliviously occupied on their iPads, pretty sure my husband is, too. That Rumba that he bought for Christmas that I did not want is happily purring through the house. In retrospect, I love the Rumba, although this one is actually an off brand. Something generic, something copied. It is truly a worthwhile gadget. Maybe it deserves its own blog post sometime.

I’m getting my spirit ready for what Monday morning will bring in my somewhat small town family practice in North Carolina. If Friday’s dry run is any indication, I better double up on the deodorant and caffeine. It didn’t go so smoothly. No one really knows how a pandemic will go. We are truly flying by the seat of our pants.

Covid-19 only reared its ugly head in December 2019. Three months in and we are stocking up on toilet paper and Lysol, secluded in our houses, every aspect of our American life as we know it disrupted. It gives me the feeling I would have before a hurricane growing up in South Florida. We are prepared. We have battened down the hatches and we wait. It’s eerie.

I worry though that we aren’t really prepared at all. As I go into Monday morning, protocols for testing are still not completely clear. It keeps changing. I have to set aside my Type A-ness and just roll with the punches. I can’t get agitated, question authorities, or lose my cool. I just got to adjust. It’s tough. Patients are going to be calling, coming in, they will want to know if they are infected and to be honest, I’m not sure that we can test everyone with valid symptoms. I’m not sure if there are enough tests to go around.

I worry that we will get sick, too. Healthcare providers are vulnerable. I want to stay well so that I can keep in the fight, I don’t want to tap out too soon. I have been trained for such a time as this, like a soldier posed for battle. I wonder if those brave soldiers in battle have the urge to shit their pants like I do right now.

My nerves go from completely calm and cool, to that “shit the pants” feeling about 4 times a day. I keep checking the news, the CDC/WHO websites, my own company’s and colleague’s emails. I’ve listened to my church’s sermon live-streamed on facebook. I’m even continuing with a Bible study that was started almost 2 months ago. I’m washing clothes and tidying up. I’ve taken 2 baths today and cut my hair. Yeah, that’s weird, but I do cut my hair myself from time to time, especially since I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get a proper haircut at the salon. I’m trying to stay informed and yes, maybe even a little distracted.

Do you recall a surreal moment before your whole life changed? That one moment of clarity and peace until the shit in your pants hit the proverbial fan? This is the moment. I am pecking away calmly on the keys, not wholly sure of what tomorrow will bring, but knowing that it will likely make all the days that follow feel like it will never be the same.

Stay well, blog friends.

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12 Responses to I Might Shit My Pants Before its all Over

  1. Debra H Bures says:

    I talked with my daughter who lives in NYC last night. She works for a major newspaper, and has been working at home for the past week. I called and left a message for our dentist to apologetically postpone our 8am cleaning appointments, and I’ll call to cancel our optometrist appointments for next week.
    I am concerned about micro-businesses like ours, whose owners have no financial cushion to sustain them through tough times. The trickle down effect from all of this will be huge. That said, I believe in the human spirit, politicians be damned.
    E.B White’s eloquent words resonate “Hang on to your hat. Hang on to your hope. And wind the clock, for tomorrow is another day.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. V.J. Knutson says:

    Nice to hear from you; sorry about the circumstance. At least we are all in the same boat as far as not certain what the future will bring.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Deb says:

    This is all getting old really fast, especially the “no one really knows what to do” part. Working for a company that contracts services with medical facilities it has become painfully clear just how confused and uninformed so many entities really are, even with their focus on medicine. Symptoms change in rapid fire succession, as does what and when to report them. I hope by the time someone finds me with labored breathing curled under my desk or in a patient room, yes even without fever, that they’ve figured all this out.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel your anxiety right across the blog-o-sphere. Best wishes as go forward. And remember to breathe. Masked, of course!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Happy to have you out of semiretirement 🙂 I’m also nervous about what this week brings for us, but I have faith that we’ll get through it. Sending you hugs, love and good vibes!

    Liked by 1 person

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